A Saturday in Babylon. The shiny happy boys shine a little brighter; the plastic posers seem a little closer to melting. Retro tunes spin a web of red gold green dreams, and the alcohol flow keeps the dream alive. All the men are out to play: friends and flames, former and future, and all the nameless. They come to dance, to drink, to get laid, to get high. They come to lose themselves, to find themselves, to heal, to hurt, to live, to die. They come to get away, they come to stay. But they come.
"Queer As Folk" has now been on Showcase for about five weeks. We've been living it for how long though? This past weekend, within a day, a dozen different people came up to me and said the same thing.
They were friends, acquaintances, strangers. At the bar, at the baths, on the chats. They were young, old, rich, poor. And they all said the same thing. "There has to be more than this."
The scene is powerful. For many, it's all there is. The thrill of the chase is intoxicating. The gossip is plentiful, and always replenished. There's always a better high, a better boy. The strobe flashes so bright, reality gets lost in the glare. But it's all good, right? When the most important question you have to ask is "Do I just stare at you all night or can I buy you a drink too", then you realize that there is a whole world beyond Liberty Avenue.
As I sat down to write this, I wasn't sure where it was going to take me. It could've been about how sometimes you're just not in love with someone. It could've been about how sometimes you have to wonder if you maybe are. Instead, it took me to a Toronto-based Pittsburgh that might as well be across the street, and it got me asking the question, "Am I asking the right questions". Life is all about finding answers, but can you really recognize those answers if you don't know what you're looking for?
Sometimes it's easier just to play the game. Say the words they want to hear to get the response you want. Act the way you're supposed to act because you're 23 and you've still got time to goof around with life, and besides, that's the way they do it on that Showcase channel. Play with the boy enough to make him want you only to realize that if he wants you, he's obviously too dumb to be worth it. It's not a gay thing, it's an esteem thing. I can't accept that gay people inherently feel worse about themselves than straight people because straight people make the same mistakes, play the same games, have the same needs. The difference, I guess, is that there's a whole big hetero world out there, but for a gay boy, it's easy to spend your entire life within a few city blocks.
On the rare occasions Kansas does intrude, there's always another twister waiting to whisk you back to Oz. There's nothing wrong with being a scene queen, but there's one thing that has to be remembered: the scene shouldn't control you. Immerse yourself if you want, but know where that life preserver is. Pinch yourself once in a while to see if you wake up. Retreating 100% from the "gay lifestyle" (ugh) is just as bad as inhaling it 100%. It's all about balance. That said, though, see you at Babylon this weekend?
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