FROM BAREBACKING KING TO CONDOM QUEEN

Almost every weekend you’ll see my fellow sisters and I offering condom communion at the bars and near the bathhouses. This harm reduction campaign is meant to be a force for reducing the growing amount of new HIV transmissions among men who have sex with men (MSM). This comes out of a community passion for protecting ‘our’ people.

 We’re always a little shocked, however, when men refuse a rubber and say that don’t like to use condoms – the same way people may not use a seatbelt (not because it wrinkles their dresses but because of discomfort – or  a preference for a freer feeling). We tend to allay their fears by jokingly offering that they’re blessed by the pope but this doesn’t seem to have much effect.

Here’s the confession of nun though: bareback sex (that is to say, sex without a condom) used to be my favorite form of sex. I hated wearing a condom – either I’d lose the boner while trying to put it on or it’d be too small, or I’d just be too fucked up (high or drunk or both) to even bother with it. My attitude about it wasn’t that I didn’t care about contracting a sexually transmitted infection so much as it was just that I was in the moment and when the heat was on I wanted to get it on.  Some friends even joked by calling me “the barebacking king”.

So why did I change my mind about this?

First I would say despite my penchant for risk-taking I was always very responsible about getting tested. You can only wait for test results so many times sitting in angst of wondering “is this the time they’re going to tell me I’m HIV positive?” or “what if I have herpes or syphilis?” This kind of self-inflicted torture can really play on a person and eventually wears one to a point where they start to make different choices. I was fortunate that I always tested negative but I’ll never forget the time I saw someone leaving the STI clinic in tears. The reality is that it could have just as easily been me.

Second I would say that my work with HIV Edmonton has taught me a great deal about the risks I take and the preventable heartache that I may live with. You can only sit in your office so many times while people pour out their heart and tears to you about how their lives have been rocked forever because now they have to learn to live with HIV.

On that note I’d like to also qualify that living with HIV is not as easy as people seem to think it is. One of the pieces of feedback we often get as Sisters is “I don’t care if I get ‘it’ I just take a pill and then I’ll be fine.” WRONG JACKO!!! Living with HIV can be very complicated. It can mean an intake of 1-15 pills a day, coping with the side effects of medication, being tied to medication (missing one treatment can reduce the meds efficacy by 20% each day – which means you may have to start a new regiment of medication and have to deal with a whole new host of side effects). Moreover, beyond the physical health people have to fight stigma that exists every day – some people are still losing their jobs, their families, and their lovers over the fact that they are living with HIV.

So what are the risks?

If you and your partner are both HIV negative, then there’s obviously no risk for HIV transmission. However, you may not really know the HIV status of your partner, or you may be assuming that his HIV status is the same as yours. In addition, you might think that you are HIV negative because you got tested: but when were you last tested for HIV? Six months ago? A year ago? Longer? Have you had unprotected anal sex with others since your test, and as a result become infected with HIV? You might have HIV and not know it: studies have shown that almost 20% of gay and bi men who think they are HIV negative actually have HIV.

If you are HIV negative while your partner is HIV positive, unprotected anal sex is high risk for HIV transmission. The Canadian AIDS Society’s HIV Transmission Guidelines define "high-risk" practices as those presenting the real potential for HIV transmission because they involve an exchange of body fluids such as semen, vaginal fluid, blood or breast milk. In addition, a significant number of scientific studies have repeatedly associated those practices with HIV infection.

So I started making better choices given that the outcomes far outweighed the excitement of taking a risk. Condoms taste better than gonorrhea, I don’t want to get scabs on my dick, and I don’t want to live with a disease when I can prevent it’s transmission.

I’m not stupid though – I get it – it’s not always the way it’s going to be and preaching that someone should do this or someone should do that is ridiculous. I’ve put together some tips for my fellow bare backing kings and hope they’ll take this harm reduction approach to their practice.

1.)    Choosing TO wear a condom:
a.       Find one that fits – if it’s too small get a bigger one.
b.      If you don’t like wearing one maybe ask the bottom of the pack to wear an insertive condom (these are typically femal e condoms with a ring in them – be sure to take the ring out) – this way he can wear the condom in his ass all night and when you guys are ready to go it’s safe.
c.       Maybe hold off on the anal until you’ve been together a few months. When you’re both ready get tested. When you’ve got the paperwork then go hard.

2.)    Choosing NOT to wear a condom (taken from ACT website):
a.       Make sure your partner is actually agreeing to bareback sex: he shouldn’t be drunk or high, or in any other type of altered state that may prevent him from making a decision he wouldn’t normally make for himself. Just because a partner didn't ask to use a condom, doesn't necessarily mean he wants to have bareback sex: perhaps he's making an assumption about your HIV status, or he doesn't feel he can ask to use a condom. Think about this.
b.      If you are HIV positive it’s good to be aware of the legal obligations surrounding HIV disclosure (i.e. telling your HIV status). For more information about this check out this page.
c.       Use lots of water and silicone based lube when fucking. Apply more lube as you fuck. Water and silicone based lube will minimize the risk of irritation to the mucosal lining of your anus which allows a route of entry for HIV and other STIs. Lube also makes the initial penetration feel good! Avoid using saliva for lube. Try silicone lube. It has a different thickness and texture than water based, is safe with condoms, and may be hotter for you.
d.      Spread your barebacking adventures over time to allow any potential damage to your ass to heal.
e.      Be aware of pain levels. Fucking may cause discomfort or sensitivity, but it shouldn’t be painful. There doesn’t have to be blood for there to be damage.
f.        Early withdrawal does not reduce the risk for HIV transmission, as pre-cum can also contain HIV. Early withdrawal also does not prevent the transmission of other STIs (like syphilis).
g.       Don’t fuck if you have open sores on your dick.
h.      Don’t get fucked if you have sores around your ass.
i.         Before getting fucked, relax your asshole as much as possible: try anal massage, get finger-fucked or rimmed (lots of foreplay!). Repeated deep breathing helps your hole open up and makes it feel good.
j.        It's best not to put anything (like a dildo or butt plug) that has been in another person's asshole, in your ass.
k.       Douching (rinsing inside the ass) makes sense. Fecal matter (shit) doesn’t make good lube! Here are some tips we’ve collected that will make your experience more pleasurable:
i. Use warm water only. Douching removes the natural protective fluids in the mucosal membranes of the ass.                     
ii.       It’s best to wait at least 60 minutes following douching before insertion to allow time for your ass fluids to regenerate.
iii.      If you douche often, it helps to replace the good bacteria (microflora or probiotics) in your gut. This restores balance and aids digestion and absorption. You can get probiotics from yogurt or in capsule or powder from your local health food store. We don’t recommend packaged enemas you buy at the pharmacy. Not only will this solution irritate your mucosa, it will make you shit more than you need to. If you are concerned about your bowel movements, a diet rich in fibre and plenty of water can increase your overall ‘fuck-a-bility’ in a much healthier way than regular douching.

l.         Urinate (piss) immediately after fucking. This can help to clean out the urethra (piss slit) and may help to flush out any bacteria.
m.    If you are a trans guy and are getting fucked in your front hole without a condom, be aware that you may be able to become pregnant.
n.      If you are HIV negative, get regularly tested for STIs and HIV. If you are HIV positive, you should be aware that STIs are infections that can have a fast and negative impact on your health and your HIV viral load, so you should also consider getting regularly tested for STIs and Hepatitis C, as many STIs often have no noticeable symptoms. Talk to your doctor, local HIV/STI information line, sexual health clinic or AIDS service organization for more information on STIs and how they impact HIV.

The Buddha said if you cannot love yourself or others at least do no harm to yourself or others. But for heaven’s sake – LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TO PROTECT YOURSELF!

I have spoken. Now go and sin some more!

XO Siss

Novice Sister Sissy Fister
Reverend Mother of the Abbey of the Festival City Sisters
A Mission of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence
www.edmontonsisters.org