Dear Tequila,
I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for 7 1/2 years. He's my best friend and I enjoy spending my time with him. We love each other very much but sex is a problem. The last time we had sex was on New Years Eve! He says he just doesn’t need sex like I do. I love and respect him so I’ve never push but secretly I am at the end of my rope! As I approach 40, I am beginning to think about what my life would be like without him. I don’t know what to do!
– Struggling on the South Side
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Dear Struggling,
What is that annoying 'buzzzzzzzzzing' sound??? Oh, never-mind, it's just your sex-life flat-lining.
Bed death is not just for lesbians anymore. I'm not sure it ever was. What you're describing is an issue that plagues many relationships both homo and hetero all throughout the globe. So it may bring you comfort to know that what you're experiencing is not uncommon although dealing with it can be hard....or soft in your case.
He says he doesn’t need sex. Has he ever needed sex? Is his lack of sexual appetite a new development or has he always been naturally asexual? If he's never shown a huge interest in sex, then it really shouldn't be that shocking to you now. However, if that is not the case, then there are a plethora of reasons why you and your partner may have come to a stalemate in the bedroom.
First of all, maybe your man is genuinely satisfied with life the way it is. Even if he once ravaged you with a virility usually reserved for works of Harlequin fiction, you need to remember that not everyone remains highly sexual throughout their lifetime. If this is the case, then there is nothing for you to do but decide if a sexless relationship is something you are willing to accept in return for his companionship. Not the answer you were hoping for? I didn’t think so. Lucky for you, there are a few more possibilities. .
Usually I reserve my use of ‘WebMD’ for more important things, like accurately fabricating an illness so I can skip work for a much needed manicure. However, on occasion, I use its powers of diagnoses for good rather than evil. Believe it or not, a sudden drop in a man’s libido can be a symptom for something as obvious as erectile dysfunction or low testosterone levels. It can also indicate more serious conditions like depression or prostate cancer. Even a poor diet can cause your mans balloon to deflate. Its important to remember that sex is not the problem, its the symptom. And like most illnesses it can be diagnosed and corrected.
The most frustrating part of this scenario is that it is completely out of your control. All you can do is express your thoughts and hope that your concerns and obvious sexual unhappiness is enough to motivate him to at least make an appointment with a doctor. Be warned, this is a difficult topic to broach. Often there are no other symptoms to back-up your suspicions and no one wants to admit that there could be something wrong with them; especially something wrong with their penis. To some men, facing this possibility is a fate worse than death. The prospect alone can spiral them into bouts of depression. Remember, the only thing worse than a broken dick is a sad and broken dick.
It will be a very awkward conversation, especially for him and he may get defensive, so be sensitive and understanding. I have every confidence that this is a conversation you can spear-head without issue, as you’ve already demonstrated a level of patience and compassion for your partner that should be applauded. But just in case, remember this; if he shuts down, you shut-up. Its really that simple. Don't create friction or give him a reason to think you‘re putting your needs above his. Just file the conversation away and bring it up again at a later date when he might be more receptive. You've been sexually starved for five months, another week won't kill you. Trust me, I once went two years with nothing but bread and water. You don't know pain until you've dry-humped a ciabatta loaf for two whole years.
You both owe it to yourselves and to each other to try and live a long and healthy life. So since you're well on your way to 40, routine physicals should be put on your to do list anyway. If you’re both seeing a physician regularly, any ailments that may be effecting his libido will eventually come to light and you can deal with them at that point. A wise Queen once said, the only truly unhealthy sex-life is no sex-life at all.
However, if it's not a health condition, it could very well be a heart condition. Is home still where his heart is? Are you certain it's still where yours resides? Bitch please. Don't look at me like I just shat on your Egyptian sheets. I’m simply stating the obvious. You admitted yourself that you’ve started to imagine a life without your chaste companion. That’s not a good sign.
Maybe one or both of you have the itch. No dear, not crabs. The seven year itch. It’s not just a film, it’s a real thing. Relationships are rollercoasters and have a natural course of ups and downs to follow. Unfortunately, studies indicate that many relationships derail around the seven year mark. That’s the risk you take when you get on board. Just like real rollercoasters, a little routine maintenance is required to avoid disaster. There’s no shame in seeing a trained professional. Consider it loss prevention. Take an honest, healthy look at the relationship and be open to the possibility that its more than your sex life that needs a mechanic.
If you want to ASK TEQUILA, send your questions to [email protected] and we will forward them on!