Tequila, please help!
I have a friend who is being used by a horrible, poser/user/generally f'd up a-hole. How can I talk some sense into her? She keeps taking him back because "she feels sorry for him". He has no real friends, only acquaintances and my friend is the only one who really understands the little troll - or so she says. Why do some women allow themselves to be door mats in their "love lives" when they are ferocious with the rest of humanity? Is there any hope for her?
Thanks for listening -
Bothered and Bewildered, but thankfully not Bewitched
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Dear Bothered,
You certainly do sound bothered. In fact, you sound damn near irate. First, I applaud the ferocity in which you desire to protect your friend. True friends are difficult to come by, so I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have you.
Unfortunately you really haven't given me much to go on. The description "horrible, poser/user/generally f'd up a-hole" while poignant and effective, is still only subjective. You've given me nothing to support the accusation that he has wronged your friend in any real way. Rather, you have only proven your extreme distaste for him. What has he done? How has he used her? In what way is he "f'd up"?
Now, I'm going to assume that he has actually done something to warrant your loathing and that you are not simply attacking a relationship that you do not approve of or understand out of spite or jealousy. That being said, I'd like to take the time to dissect the parts of your letter one by one, saving the most important question for last. So keep reading and pay attention.
First, you say he has no friends. Well, assuming this is true, this can be interpreted as a major red flag. Friendship is the basis of all healthy relationships, whether they be platonic, romantic or even familiar. I'm sure you have heard long-term couples spout tired, nauseating drivel such as "After so many years together, is he is not only my husband, he's my best friend." It might make you gag, but it's not just a romantic notion. The statement is usually true because without friendship, there can be no love. Your partner really SHOULD be your best friend, since he/she is the friend you ultimately spend the most time with. If your friend's partner is unable to build lasting friendships, it could be a sign that he is incapable of connecting to people on a real emotional level. If this is the case, then your friend will eventually discover that any romantic feelings they "share" are primarily one-sided.
As for your friend claiming that she is the only one who understands him, I call horse shit. Is he foreign? Is there a language or cultural barrier? If not, then I can guarantee he is most definitely understood by others. When she says, "I have to stay with him, I'm the only one who understands him", what she is really saying is, "this is the excuse that I've devised to justify the unhealthy relationship". She has created for herself a position of value and importance. A role in his life that she feels, or he has successfully convinced her, that only she can play. Subconsciously she believes if she's the only woman who understands him, then by default she becomes the only woman he could possibly love. It's an illusion. In reality, I would wager that she doesn't understand him or his actions at all. To "understand" means to accept. If she truly understood him, it would mean that she sees him for who he is and accepts him and all his flaws. If she honestly accepted who he was, she would not be bothered by his behavior. She would know why he does what he does and be able to anticipate his actions. He would no longer have the power to hurt her.
I’m sure while reading, this question suddenly popped into your mind, “Tequila, people who really understand their partner, sometimes still get hurt by their partner, don‘t they?” WRONG. People are seldom, if ever, hurt by behavior they understand. People get hurt in relationships when their partner behaves in was that are shocking or out of character. Actions that are not anticipated and not understood. The reason betrayal hurts so much, is because we are suddenly faced with the realization that we, in fact, did not know or understand our partner as well as we thought we did. That is why so many victims blame themselves when a partner wrongs them, because they SHOULD have seen it coming, they SHOULD have known. What we know and understand can not hurt us. What hurts is the unknown becoming known…ya know?
Next question.
Why do some people allow themselves to be doormats? Well, doormat is such a harsh term, so instead let's discuss why some people behave differently in relationships than in other areas of their lives. Very simply, because people need different things from different people at different times. No one can be a lion all the time. Sometimes, they need to feel tame.
Something in your friends life has obviously led her to this place. If this man is as cruel to her as you imply, then most likely, something has occurred in your friends past, probably her childhood, to cause her to doubt her worth when it comes to men. Maybe she felt unloved as a child. Maybe she had an abusive or absent father. Maybe there was sexual abuse. Whatever happened in her past is influencing the decisions she’s making in her present. Ultimately she is receiving something out of this relationship - something her psychological self needs or believes she deserves. She may not even be aware of it. If this was not the case, she wouldn't allow an emotionally or physically abusive relationship to continue.
Final, and most important question.
How can you talk some sense in to her? Well, if she is in fact being used and mistreated by this lousy scoundrel....omg I suddenly sound like a 70 year old arthritic tranny... Forgive me....As I was saying, if she has actually been wronged, as painful as it is for you to sit back and do nothing, that, my dear, is exactly what you must do.
Nothing. No ridicule. No judgment. No nagging. No guilt. No questions. NOTHING.
A relationship can be a crippling addiction. Like so many other addictions, it is seldom healthy and always habit forming. People need to come to terms with their own problems, whether it be in love, liquor or LSD, in their own time and on their own terms.
Two things need to happen before she can move on and begin to heal. First, like all addicts, she'll need to hit bottom. She must face the darkest loneliness, the hardest pain and the deepest sorrow and survive it, before she will even be ready to ADMIT there is a problem to fix.
Believe it or not, even if she admits she has a problem she is still not ready for you to offer help. I admit on a daily basis that I'm a functioning alcoholic. That doesn't mean I want AADAC burning crosses on my lawn. Wait...I think I mixed up my acronyms....regardless, before you can offer help, she must ask for it. She must be open to receiving it or else it will simply fall on deaf ears.
In the meantime, while you wait for the inevitable to occur, I suggest you do what friends have been doing since the beginning of time. Shut your mouth and mind your own business. Be supportive. If she asks you what you think, tell her. If she vents to you about a situation, side with her. However, unsolicited advice is unwise. Ultimately, it makes you seem unsupportive and selfish. After all, its not about you. What you want for her is irrelevant.
Do nothing. If this "troll" is as evil as you imply he is, then she will eventually throw him back under the bridge he crawled out from. This will happen only when she is ready and only when she truly wants it. Prepare yourself, this could be years. If she ends the relationship because of pressure from you or other friends, it is a choice that will not stick. The choice must be hers and hers alone. Remind yourself, daily if you must, that you can not make her see reason while her head is in the clouds.
Lastly, you need to take care of you. There is no shame or guilt in telling your friend that you can no longer listen to it. Don’t be mean but be honest. Explain to her that you’ve told her multiple times what you think of him and that she’s made it clear that your opinion doesn’t matter. Make sure she understands that you respect that the choice to stay with him is hers to make but the choice to no longer offer you opinion belongs to you. Tell her that you love her and will always be there for her if she ever needs to talk about anything else but that the door to that particular subject is closed for you. Tell her that hearing all the nasty things he does to her, hurts you and if something hurts you, you put an end to it. Love yourself and maybe she’ll follow your lead.
If you want to ASK TEQUILA, send your questions to [email protected] and we will forward them on!