Dear Tequila,
I remember when I was younger and would go to the bars and old guys would hit on me. I didn't understand it. I liked guys around my age, why didn't they? Now I'm a bit older and I find that my taste really hasn't changed. I still [like] the same guys, but now I'm the older guy and they're they ones looking at me like I'm a troll. What is it about gay men and the attraction to youth?
Sincerely,
Peter Pan
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Dear Peter,
You're not a troll. You're a pirate. And like all pirates you find yourself on an endless quest for booty. Young, barely legal, with hardly any hair on their coc...um...booty.
Side note; For the sake of the article, since you have not revealed your actual age or the age of the men you pursue, I'm going to assume that you are between the age of 35 and 40 chasing after men in their late teens/early twenties.
Now that we have that out of the way, listen up, cause I have a lot to say.
What you're describing is not a gay issue at all. It's a people issue. The obsession with youth transcends sexuality, religion, generation or gender. Men and women just typically approach this obsession in different ways.
Usually it's women who get a bad rap regarding their seemingly relentless quest to recapture their fading youth. Diets, Pilates, pushup bras, hair dye, collagen injections, creams, masks, chemical peels, Botox, pro retinal...the list truly does go on and on and we haven't even begun to touch on the more extreme medical procedures. Thanks to Joan Rivers' pioneering efforts, there are 40 year old women who have yet to hit puberty. Women have the unfortunate reputation for being nipped, tucked, plumped and plucked all in the name of Vanity. Speaking of whom....rumors are she too has had a little work done. No one looks that much like Cher without a little help. ;-)
For most women, the obsession over youth begins and ends at the physical. Not that I blame them. After all, its commonly said that men get distinguished with age while women just get older. Men are considered fine wines, women....stinky cheeses....at least I've always thought so, hence my sexual preference.
Now, before I start getting hate mail from angry, unattractive feminists, let me add that some men are just as guilty, myself included. However, because culture is more forgiving of men and their physical aging, some men fight the war on age in a different, sometimes more controversial way. We are, of course, referring to cradle robbing .
Such a disgusting term isn't it? Cradle robbing. Brings to mind images of greasy pedophiles with 70's porn star mustaches offering small children lollipops to come sit on their laps…which I hope is not the case.
The good news is, you are not alone my youth-loving fiend...er...friend. It has become more and more common for men and women to take solace in the act of building a relationship with much younger partners. Having a younger partner can help reconnect you to a more vibrant lifestyle, so 'cougars' and 'rhinos' often feel young by association. This feeling can last for a fleeting moment or potentially years depending on the individual and what they REALLY have in common with their younger conquests. FYI, great sex or drugs is not 'something in common'.
Age seems to play an important role in relationships and a large gap in years can mean more differences than just the time you’ve spent on the planet. The most frequent issue is that two people of very different age groups usually struggle to find common ground. This could very well be something you've already discovered for yourself. Who you are, what you believe in, your priorities and the goals you set for yourself are much different at 35 then they were at 20.
What really attracts you to these boys? Is it stimulating conversation? Similar life goals? Careers? Is there a genuine foundation from which to build on? Or is it simply their youth, good looks and the way they make you feel about yourself that spark your interest? It will make the difference in age less significant if you have a foundation based on common interests and understanding.
If you genuinely seek a future with a much younger suitor, then you need to be prepared for the hard work and obstacles this particular relationship will face. The truth is, you are in completely different stages in your lives. So ultimately, even the small things you do have in common may not be enough to fuel a long lasting connection. A large age gap could mean differences in modes of communication, interests, and lifestyle. Just think about it for a moment;
At twenty, everything is new and exciting. There is an entire world out there for them to discover. They're either in pursuit of a post secondary education, or just starting a career. Some still live at home with their parents or bounce from roommate to roommate because they cant afford rent on their own. They have grown up in a much more accepting time, so they most likely have not had to face the same level of disappointment and harshness that used to accompany being gay in Alberta. Their attention spans are often quite shorter, which means they tend to lose interest in things quickly and you will be most likely be no exception. Twenty-something's are still very much in the party-stage of life. The weekends blur into each other until they are simply one long, drunken haze. Keep in mind, I'm generalizing. Not for one moment am I insinuating that all twenty-somethings are immature monsters motivated only by sex, drugs and alcohol. However, it does seem that a large portion of them - especially in our community - spend far more time coked-out than clocked-in. Some 35 years olds aren't much better, but that's an entirely different topic.
The majority of 35 year olds however, have their shit together. At least in comparison. They've typically finished post secondary, paying off or have paid off their student loans, have stable, respectable employment, money in the bank, retirement savings or investments and healthy, stable living situations. They may own their own home or rent, they may live alone or have trustworthy, long-term roommates. Either way they have typically abandoned the nomadic, rootless lifestyle that often comes with being 20 and unsure of yourself and your future. What’s more important, is that they have valuable life experience that twenty-somethings simply have not developed yet.
Just like you turn to younger men because, on some level, you like how they make you feel about yourself, most younger men who chose to date older men ultimately do so for the same reason. Not only that, often times they do so because they enjoy the security an older man can provide physically, emotionally and sometimes financially.
Unless these boys you pursue are trust fund brats or independently wealthy, you need to accept that more often than not, you will be footing the bill. This can be both expensive and tiring. Often times you may even end up feeling used and taken advantage of. I assure you, most of them do not intend to make you feel that away at all, its just a side effect of the fact that you will often make more money than they do. If that's a cost you're willing to pay, then all the power to you. Just get comfortable with the label "sugar daddy".
The variation in age could be an advantage or a weakness in your relationship depending on the individuals involved. Spending time with a person who is younger than you by a good amount of years can offer you newfound perspective on life and even cause you to try new experiences you wouldn't have considered before. On the same note, there is much to be learned from a person who is closer to your age and has been around the dating block a time or two. Typically, men in their thirties or older have passed the “game” of dating which makes connecting with them easier than it can sometimes be with younger men.
So am I saying this to scare you away from what could potentially be a very loving and rewarding relationship? Absolutely not! I have always believed that any two people can fall in love as long as they both want the same things at the same time. What I have told you thus far has been simply to prepare you for the obstacles that undoubtedly lay ahead. Finding happiness with someone fifteen years your junior is not an easy road to take.
Why? Because there is fifteen years between you! Duh! Sure, fifteen years may not sound like much when you're fifty and he's thirty-five, but no matter how you cut it, the math doesn't lie. If there is fifteen or more years between you, then you need to face the startling truth that you could very well be their father.
Once you've recovered from the initial shock of that statement, I'll continue.
If that wasn’t enough to jar you, try this on for size. When you were eighteen, bar-hopping and hooking-up with random tweaked-out twinks, they were three. If you had tried to sleep with them at that point, we would have put you in prison. So why is it appropriate for you to pursue them now?
“Well, Tequila, their 18 now, that’s why.”
I didn’t ask how old they were, I asked what made it appropriate. I find it interesting how that seems to be the standard reply when I ask people that question. As though being eighteen suddenly erases any previous moral boundaries or limitations. Doesn’t it create images of creepy predators waiting in the shadows, stalking their prey, watching young Bobby or Sally get older every year until one day they’re eighteen and suddenly these “predators” can become “boyfriends”? I’m not saying that’s how I personally feel. Nor am I passing judgment. However, there are many people who do see it that way and are not shy about passing judgment and to be honest, I have problems finding any flaws in their logic. Does that not perturb you, just a little?
I'm not saying its right and I’m not saying its wrong. After all, you can't help who you're attracted to. However, part of being a mature adult is identifying when to act on attraction and when to tell your penis to "sit the hell down, he's too young for you". I guarantee you, there are sixty year old grandmothers who think a twenty five year old man is totally sexy but they know better then to offer him a gummer outside a public restroom. You need to reach that level of maturity where you can appreciate a beautiful youngster without trying to make him yours.
Age is only a number but maturity has the power to build and destroy. For a relationship to stand a healthy chance, people don't necessarily have to be the same age as long they have the same level of maturity. You may very well find love with a younger man, it has happened to people before. A strapping 22 year old with an old soul and maturity beyond his years may indeed sweep you off of your feet. Then again, the reality is, most twenty-somethings have the maturity of...well...twenty-somethings. So, if you feel you have more in common with these young men then with men your own age, then your problem may very well be deeper than an obsession with youth. You may very well have a ’Peter Pan” complex, which is defined as “a narcissistically fueled inabilityx to accept the reality of getting older.” While it might sound innocent enough, this complex can ultimately be destructive. Left untreated, it can effect almost every aspect of your life. Work, friends, family, even the ability to find and maintain a long-term relationship. If you truly feel a kinship to “Peter Pan”, you may want to talk to somebody qualified to help you find your way out of “Neverland”.
Bottom line is, if you find yourself still on the hunt for a twenty-something boyfriend and you've had little to no success, it might be time look elsewhere. After all, you're not getting any younger and with every year that passes, the search isn't going to get any easier - especially if your search criteria remains the same.
I’m not telling you to settle, but if what you're doing isn't working - and if you're still single, news flash, its not working - then you need open yourself up to the possibility that what you “want” is not necessarily what you “need”. Expand your horizons. You might be surprised by the view from an older window
If you want to ASK TEQUILA, send your questions to [email protected] and we will forward them on!