Hi there.
I am a new up and coming drag queen. I have been doing drag for one full year as of Pride. In that year I have had struggles in my personal and private life. I try not to make them public as I have been told it looks bad. My question is this. Is it normal for queens who are Bears in real life to get rejected by almost every guy in the city? I mean sex is easy but is it normal to seem despondent and broken at every rejection? I’ve kept track in the last few months and the number is, well, yikes. Any insight would be great.
South Side Beauty
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Dear S.S Beauty,
I would like to tell you a story.
Picture it, Edmonton, 2002. A young, attractive 21 yr old boy comes out of the closet and into the overwhelming "glitter" and "glamour" of the Edmonton gay community. Clearly I am using sarcastic quotation marks.... but I digress. This young blue eyed boi in the prime of a new sexual awakening suddenly discovers that he is rather popular both online and in the bar scene. He finds himself being admired and pursued by boys and men of all ages. It is not unusual for this boy to have a different "date" three or four times a week....again I use sarcastic quotation marks. Oral sex in the upstairs bathroom of 'The Roost' with an acquaintance does not a date make.
Eventually, at 23, this young man gains employment at a local watering hole....hole being the operative word...where he, rather successfully, carves many many MANY more notches to his ever-growing bed post. Until one day, he decides to try his hand at....wait for it...DRAG!!!!
(insert shrill scream here)
Slowly but surely, the men stop calling. As his drag persona gains popularity due to her overwhelming talent and striking beauty, he...the real him...loses popularity on a personal, sexual level.
Suddenly a Saturday night at the bar, which used to involve dancing and random make-out sessions with hot guys, is instead 
spent graciously accepting compliments from those same men, who loved last weekends show but have now lost all sexual desire for him in the process; Rather than being begged to participate in Thursday nights 'wet underwear' competition because "there's no one else worth seeing in their underwear" this expiring bar star is suddenly being begged to host it...in heels; Cruising online becomes a soul-sucking maze of dead ends, laced with "I'm not interested" and "I don't do drag queens".
In a matter of months, that confident 23 yr old boy who used to be able to blink and get a date has turned into a bitter, lonely Queen who doubts himself, his physical appearance and his worth out of a dress. It continues on that way for several years. Rejection after rejection after timeless rejection. A few attempts at relationships intersect this trend but ultimately lead to further disappointment and heartbreak. Sexy cowboys and porn stars even dare to admit their "love" for the this glitter goddess. Spouting nonsense like, "I absolutely love you but I could never date a queen" or "I know you're the person I should be with but I can't get past the drag thing." The loneliness grows until it practically drowns him/her in despair.
That retired slut was Mia Fellow.
Just kidding, she's still slutty. The sad tranny I speak of was really me. Shocking, I know.
I told you that story to help show you that what you're experiencing is not unusual. In fact, it's quite normal. I have yet to meet a Drag Queen who has not experienced P.D.R.S on some level. Post Drag Rejection Syndrome.
Why is it so common? That’s fairly simple. Queens, bears, chubbies, leather, BDSM etc. are all subcultures within the gay community. These subcultures carry with them stigmas or associations that cause people from outside those subcultures to shy away from or reject the people within them. In my experience, this occurs because there is a lack of understanding from the general community.
Whenever we chose to identify ourselves as part of a particular subculture, like drag, we automatically risk being alienated from the remainder of the gay community, who are unfamiliar or disproving of the “lifestyle”. Edmonton is not an endless ocean of possibilities. So when we find ourselves part of a subculture, we ultimately end up shrinking our already small dating pool. Sure, there are lots of fish in the sea. However, when you're fishing in a bird bath, success is more elusive.
As if that wasn't problem enough, you've managed to pigeon hold yourself into two different subcultures. First, let me applaud you because that can be a very difficult feat. Second, I certainly hope you got some pleasure out of that accomplishment because you've officially fucked yourself.
Why? Well, it wouldn't be so tragic if you identified with two compatible groups. Drag and leather, although unusual, can still be a good pair. Drag and BDSM can also be a fabulous duo. But Drag and Bears????
I hate to be rude...wait a minute, no i don’t. WTF did you expect to happen?
Bears are considered the most masculine of all gay subcultures, while Queens, for good reason, are often considered the most feminine of the subcultures. As you can imagine, these two groups typically clash...like BIG TIME and very rarely find each other attractive.
Let's be honest, queens aren't usually all that picky. We're a tribe of sexually deprived amazon women who are likely to rape an attractive man, right there in the audience, while we continue to lip-sync to Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All" without missing a beat. We're multitaskers and to us, the greatest love of all is a love that requires latex.
Bears on the other hand, are a little picky and are usually only attracted to other masculine, fury men. Queens are neither masculine nor particularly furry. If you are....then I'm sorry but you're a hideous queen and I'm revoking your tiara.
Either way, do you see the issue?
I'm not sure what type of men you, yourself, are typically attracted to. However, I do know that once you put on those lashes, what you're attracted to becomes almost completely insignificant. It suddenly depends solely on who's attracted to you.
If you're lucky enough to have a very wide taste in men, then perhaps not all is lost. However, if you're like so many other "bears" and are only attracted to similar individuals, well my dear, you may have a long, lonely road ahead of you.
Bears, who typically date other bears, will most likely be uninterested in you because to them, you're a Queen. Whereas men who would typically be open to dating queens, my not be interested in you, because ultimately, you're still a bear. Do you see the corner in which you have painted yourself?
Queens, at the best of times, are going to struggle to find a man who can completely accept the hair, heels and hosiery that comes with dating one of us. Unless they’re "Tranny Fuckers", in which case RUN. Run as fast and as gracefully as your heels can possibly take you.
Forgive me. I tend to panic at the thought of them. What was I saying? Oh yes, i remember...
We're Queens because we're simply too fabulous for just one gender. Most men struggle with accepting our duel identities. It takes a very strong and confident man to be able to keep up with our ferocity. Sadly, most men just aren't up to the challenge. They do exist though, I promise you. I, along with most of my queen friends, have all found men to happily settle down with. Men who love us and accept us for who we are and for our art.
I will not insult you by lying to you. You will most likely find it more difficult than we did, simply because you need to find a man who is first, attracted to you as a man and is also accepting of you being a queen. I don't mean for it to sound insulting, but there is no other way to say it…bears don't typically fit the standard definition of beauty that so many other queers tend to aspire to. Please, do not feel attacked, I assure you I am not calling bears unattractive, I’ve been Goldilocks to a few bears in my time. What I am saying is that, even if drag wasn’t a part of your life, the type of men that are attracted to you is already limited. In conjunction with your love of pantyhose…
So what do you do? Well first, stop looking so hard. The only thing worse than being a drag queen-bear is being a drag queen-bear that reeks of desperation. Go out, have a good time, make friends, do shows, build a reputation, find yourself. It might sound cliché, but you’re most likely to find love when you stop looking for it. Ironic but true. Just because you’re single, doesn’t mean you’re alone. Be patient and trust that it will happen in time and when it is right. In the meantime, remind yourself that you are a beautiful person and worthy of love. If you don't believe it, no one else will.
If you want to ASK TEQUILA, send your questions to [email protected] and we will forward them on!