Dear Tequila,

I met a girl recently online and we talked and talked and talked and there was definite interest and we met up in real life and there was a lot of common ground and yes there was attraction. But when we went back to her place... Idk, the sex just didn't do it for me. Or for her either I think. If you don't feel that sexual chemistry right off should you move on and just be good friends. Or is sexual chemistry something that can be learned over time?

Right Girl, Wrong Bed?

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Dear Girl,

Whether it be a bed of straw or 300 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, the mattress doesn't matter if the sex still sucks.

Now, before you write this girl off entirely, here are a few things to consider; First of all, you did just meet. It doesn't matter how long you've been chatting or skyping or face-timing, you did just meet for the FIRST TIME and getting intimate with a new person can be clumsy. While some people can have amazing sex with a total stranger without even exchanging names...*cough* Ethyl...others may actually find the entire experience rather uncomfortable.

Let's be honest, sex is invasive and kind of disgusting when you REALLY consider what it involves. Don't get me wrong, I love sex and I truly believe it to be a beautiful connection shared between two consenting adults, but the act itself...let's just say there is a reason people refer to it as "bumping uglies". Sex, whether it be with your spouse or the random homeless person you met at Buddys (don't laugh, that actually happened to someone I know) it requires a level of trust that some people are more wary of giving freely. Despite whatever sexual attraction two people may have for each other, if both parties are not completely comfortable, the sex will be less fireworks and more flame retardant.

You need to remember that the first time, with anybody, is experimental. Even if you're the biggest slut in Edmonton, which I doubt, what has worked for your partners in the past may not work for her at all. It's exciting yet awkward — you're figuring out a foreign body, and you have no clue what she likes. Plus, there's so much at stake the first time — if the sex is bad, you could second-guess the budding relationship, as you have already discovered for yourself. You just need to remember that good sex has little to do with experience and everything to do with being perceptive and aware of the person next to you. For example, maybe she's over-sensitive or ticklish? Stimulating sensitive/ticklish areas can actually cause pain and discomfort, neither of which are particularly sexy. Point being, the first time is about discovering each other's bodies; each other's turn-ons and turn-offs. Its trial and error and you have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

Sometimes you luck out and hit all the right spots in all the right ways, and other times you strike out and the entire experience is more sad than sexy. The trick is to commit the things that made her moan to memory and use them again next time and throw away everything that didn't get an enthusiastic reaction. Sex with a new partner is like learning to ride a bike. You weren't born knowing how to do it, you had to find your balance and learn to peddle.

Another thing to consider is that maybe it was just an off night. This happens to every couple, regardless if they've been together a day or a decade. I've experienced this even in my own sex life, which I consider to be above par. Sometimes my Partner and i have earth shattering, gnawing on the pillow, jungle-fucking, animal sex that would make Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele envious for that kind of pleasure...other times its thirty minutes that would have been better spent doing laundry. That's just life. Ultimately it's a result of a combination of different outside factors and influences that have nothing to do with the bedroom or how we feel about each other at all. Perhaps this is your culprit? It's no ones fault and it is something you can recover from. Very few people have great sex each and every time they get naked. If you do...I hate you more than words and assume you've used dark magic to make this possible.

However, for those who have not made deals with Satan, it's a constant flip of the coin. And like most coins in our economy, its unstable. Which is why sex should not be the driving force behind any relationship. Even if the sex was earth shattering or the best sex you have ever had, that would not, or at least it SHOULD NOT, be reason enough to pursue a new relationship. The opposite is also true. You shouldn't base the decision to pursue a relationship with this individual or not on one sexual encounter. Sex is a very important part of a relationship but so is communication. Maybe she is as disappointed or confused over your initial sexual experience as you are. Have you talked to her about it? Have you asked her what her thoughts are on the situation? Did you take the time to communicate DURING?? Did you take the initiative to ask her if she liked what you were doing or if she would have preferred you do something else?

Of course we all want to be thought of as a God or Goddess in the sack, so the instinct is to ignore any gawky moments and pray on the Kama Sutra that your partner didn't notice you accidentally bang their chin with your elbow. But, I assure you two things, they DID notice and things WIL go much more smoothly if you acknowledge these slips subtly in a way that suits the kind of sex you're having. If you're both being playful, maintain that attitude and laugh about it. Or if the mood is more intense, find a way to keep that vibe intact. Turn your attention to the injured area by tenderly kissing her chin and increasing the passion as you make your way up to her lips.

Being with someone new is stressful enough because you're worried about what they'll think of your body, the sounds you make during sex and if they'll like what you're doing. If you don't accept the natural mishaps that are bound to happen, you'll silently taint the entire experience. Communication is as essential to good sex as lubrication. Why would you not want to ensure that you are giving each other the best mutually pleasurable experience possible? Why would anyone want to be with someone who is only worried about only their own pleasure? Part of what keeps most people turned on is knowing their partner actually cares if they're still turned on or not. It shows sensitivity and genuine interest. Asking questions during sex will actually make you a better lover because instead of WONDERING if she's enjoying herself, you'll know. And if she's not, you can correct it. Since you're new to each other, you don't know all each other's little inaudible signs that indicate if you're enjoying the interaction. So it's crucial that you communicate with each other. And for God's sake, don't fake pleasure where there is none. That's like rewarding a dog when he/she pisses on the carpet. They'll think they're doing what they're supposed to, so they'll keep doing it.

Bottom line is, if you haven't even taken the time to ask her if she enjoyed herself during or after, then how do you know if there's truly a problem? Maybe you're the only one who walked away disappointed. True, chances are high that she too thinks the sex was truly horrific, after all, she was there. But there is also a chance that she may have thought it was the most eruptive experience since The Challenger explosion. You won't know if you don't ask. If you're too afraid to ask a question as simple as "how was that for you?" then, I would consider that a bigger obstacle than the quality of your sex. There can be a great relationship even without mind-blowing sex but there can't be a relationship without good communication. Besides, as I said before, you can't improve what you do not acknowledge.